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"You know it's never fifty-fifty. It's always seventy-thirty, or sixty-forty. Someone falls in love first. Someone puts someone else up on a pedestal. Someone works very hard to keep things rolling smoothly; someone else sails along for the ride."
-Jodi Picoult
Cassandra had always felt like things were too hard when it came to love. Either she was trying harder than the other, or she simply didn't try enough. Usually it was the former.
Only when the relationship could be potentially good for her did it seem like she used little to no effort.
Aziraphale had been a glaring example of someone she simply never TRIED to hold on to. He'd loved her passionately, treated her far better than she felt she deserved, and yet... she destroyed what they could have had by loving not one, but TWO men. Two men who were disastrous to her in the end.
Nathan. God, but how she had loved him. Fiercely, loyally... he had been everything to her. He had been the first that she had given herself to so thoroughly since she'd lost Emmalina nearly 6 centuries before. And she had worked, and made every effort she could think of to keep him happy and safe in her rather morbid and dangerous life. Yet... in the end, he hadn't tried to hold onto it. He'd actually pushed her away. It wasn't something she hated him for. On the contrary, she knew how much his brother meant to him and that was something greater than what they'd had. But it didn't make her heart stop aching.
And then there was one. Methos. He'd nearly destroyed her over and over and over again, and yet... they were still who they were. They still bickered, they still... felt. Felt what, Cassandra didn't know. But what she did know, very clearly, was that in ANY incarnation of their 'relationship'; be it hate, love, dependency, or tolerance; she always felt more than he did. Always PUSHED harder than he did. Always more from her. It was something that infuriated her, because she wondered if it was as if he didn't feel she was worth the effort. Even if he got just as angry with her as she was, she would feel... not happy obviously, but... marginally satisfied. Or if he conveyed as much confusion over what they did as she felt... maybe then she would feel as though they were on equal ground.
No, she was certain she would never find that balance. Like so many of the women she was trying to help with the centers, she was stuck in cycle. But after three millenia, she wasn't sure there WAS an escape for her.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Thursday, April 30th, 2009
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Jaqueline told me I am wearing too much black. And claims I'll look like Jackie Kennedy in this. I think she's being generous, to say the least.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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| You Are a White Tiger |  You have a strong individualistic streak. You are unique and outspoken.
You have firm ideas of right and wrong. You will stand up for your unpopular beliefs with pride.
You believe that learning the truth is important. Even if it's ugly, uncomfortable, or awkward.
You give it to people straight, and you expect them to do the same. You can't stand ambiguity of any kind. |
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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((ooc: Flashback RP, inspired by THIS post.))
She'd risen early, content for a while to lay in the peace and quiet. He couldn't possibly watch her while he slept and in turn, she could watch HIM. She'd only recently noticed how peaceful he seemed when he slept and it was something she intended to cherish, no matter how silly or naive it made her feel. After everything he had done to her, that she would lay there in the dark and stare at his barely illuminated profile among... other things...
Before she could continue the line of thought, she'd slipped out from under the covers and made her way towards her clothing. Once dressed, she'd headed out of the tent, pausing one last time to gaze over him, the faintest hint of a smile on her lips.
That was then.
Now, however, he was watching HER. She could feel his eyes on her and she did her very best not to draw attention to the fact that it made her nervous. She listened to the other slaves who murmurred quietly amongst themselves, but not to her. Never to her. She was painfully aware that the other slaves; the ones who had been kept for some time; clearly wanted nothing to do with her and it had only recently occurred to her that she hadn't seen Methos show interest in any of them. Just her.
The quiet murmur from the others suddenly ceased and she knew without looking that HE was there. Kronos. She raised her eyes carefully, just in time to see them step inside Methos' tent.
It wasn't much longer before she saw Kronos exit the tent, as well. As quickly as she could manage, she made her way out of the river and to the clothing she laid to dry on the rocks. Pulling her tunic down, she made her way to his tent, attempting to ring out her long, damp locks so that she wouldn't drip on the furs inside.
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Comments: Read 27 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, December 3rd, 2008
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Alright. So I've kinda been gone a while and in the process, a few people got screwed over in RP and such. I can't even begin to tell you how terrible I feel about it. I've been defriended by a few people, which is something I completely understand and accept. I'd just like the opportunity to offer an explanation.
Not very many people (except maybe Emma's mun) know this, but I was in a pretty rough relationship a few months ago. We'd been together for a long time, but things got... let's just go with bad, and I had to move. I moved out of state with no money and no job. Needless to say, things were not great. I had no internet and no way to get online to tell anyone what was going on. Plus, I felt at the time like I didn't need to explain all the personal private stuff, because really... it was personal and private. BUT, I also didn't think I would be gone nearly as long as I was, either.
There are other reasons I wasn't on that are more medical, but I won't get into that, because frankly, I'm not ready to talk about it. I'm going to be crossposting this to all of my journals, because unfortunately there are numerous people who've played in depth with a lot of my muses and this affected a few of them a great deal.
I sincerely apologize to anyone who got hurt or upset about my disappearing. Same goes for their muses. If this could have been avoided, it would have been. And believe me, I know how it feels to have someone up and stop playing with you without explanation one. *eyes and pets Cassandra* Please know it was never my intention to screw anyone over or hurt anyone's feelings. I tried to downplay this as much as possible, but once I realized just how many people had dumped me from their friends' lists, I was kinda taken aback. I understand it, it was just... surprising is all.
Again, I'm sorry. I'm not mad or upset with anyone, swear to God. I just felt like I owed a lot of people an explanation.
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Comments: Read 8 or Add Your Own.
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So.
I am going to be in the process of retconning Cassandra, due to unfortunate circumstances beyond my control. If there is anyone who would like to be removed from the friends list that hasn't been taken care of already, please say the word. I will completely understand.
Sincerely,
Drea
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Comments: Read 19 or Add Your Own.
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You weren't who I thought you were. End of story.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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O kay. So my computer completely died. Hard drive went kaput. It's going to take at least a week to fix and/or replace and on top of that I am going to be out of town for the next week. So...I don't know exactly when I'll be back on. But I will be. To anyone Cass is involved with as far as storyline, I am so sorry. It's taken me three days just to get to a computer that works and I don't know when I'll have access again.
Here's hoping it'll only be a week. *sigh*
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, March 13th, 2008
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We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” - Sam Keen
Her eyes rested on his sleeping form, amazed like always how much he looked like a child when he slept. None of the pain or emotions carefully hidden behind reinforced walls could been seen on his face. No worries, no stress, no fear. Because she knew that as strong as he was, his waking moments were overflowing with them.
( Read More... )
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Comments: Read 2 or Add Your Own.
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| Subject: | Getting back to basics... (RP for ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) vote4nathan) |
| Time: | 7:00 pm. |
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Her fingers drummed the coffee table lightly and she tried desperately to wipe the permanent furrow in her eyebrows. He thought she was leaving him. She could admit to being confused about her... whatever the hell she had with Methos, but leaving Nathan had never been an option for her. So when the words came from him, so convinced, she nearly dropped her coffee. She'd spent far too much time debating her past and not nearly enough time focusing on her present and it was obviously taking its toll. She hoped he'd be here soon, if at all. That she even questioned whether he'd come was enough of a sign that she needed to fix whatever this problem was, and immediately.
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Comments: Read 20 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 28th, 2008
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| Subject: | Let's try NOT sleeping with the pseudo-enemy, shall we? (RP for iris_angel |
| Time: | 2:43 pm. |
| Mood: |  nervous. |
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She'd had a glass of wine and then another, trying to decide what she was going to say. She knew she needed to say the things she wanted to say in person, and that was actually why she was going to call him. But there were other things she wondered if she should say. The fact that she had asked Nathan to go with her for starters. She hated the way that a heavy weight formed in the pit of her stomach every time she thought about telling Methos that Nathan would be with her. It shouldn't matter what he thought of it. She just worried that he would be... someone else... with Nathan around. And really, as much as Methos irritated her at times, that thought shouldn't irk her, but it did.
Before she could think herself right out of calling, she picked up her phone and dialed the number he had left on her dresser all those months ago. Doing her best not to think of the events before that, she pressed send and tried to center herself before he answered.
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Comments: Read 28 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 27th, 2008
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1. Think of the first word that comes to mind when you think of me.
2. Go to http://images.google.com and search for that word.
3. Reply to this post with one of the pictures on the first page of results -- don't tell me the word.
4. Put this in your own blog so that I can do the same.
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Comments: Read 33 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 21st, 2008
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You can discover what your enemy fears most by observing the means he uses to frighten you.
What? I needed a quote that made me feel better. It's completely appropriate.
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Comments: Read 41 or Add Your Own.
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Wednesday, February 20th, 2008
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"I would rather betray the whole world than let the world betray me."
She'd read the quote hours ago in some article and the minute her eyes had scanned across the word, she had the urge to call. She'd shook it off, but there was this constant nagging feeling there that wouldn't quite go away. The words had jumped out at her and fed into something deep inside of her.
She hadn't spoken to Methos in months. Not since before she had gone into hiding with Nathan and really, it had been completely intentional for many reasons. She hadn't wanted to endanger him, or moreso Alexa, by contacting him. She knew Roland would keep an eye on those she had been closest to, though the thought of her and Methos being close was a laughable suggestion in her mind. Still, she knew Roland would be watching him and that made it near impossible to try and make contact. Also... the last time they had seen each other... it really hadn't gone like she'd planned. At all. She'd been under the influence of Roland's manipulations and was still not ready to admit that a part of her had simply missed being wanted by the man who had probably known her better than anyone. And finally; the reason that probably meant more to her than any of the others; she felt like it would be a betrayal. To Nathan.
She hadn't told him about the last time she saw Methos and hadn't seen a reason to at the time. She and he had been apart for quite a while when it happened, after all. But now? Now things were much different. Nathan's opinion of her meant so much and just the thought of speaking with Methos; whose opinion had meant so much before; felt like the worst kind of betrayal.
But now her fingers toyed with the antenna of the cordless next to her couch and she eyed it as though it would take control of her and make her dial. She shouldn't. She shouldn't. She...
Her fingers grasped the phone and pulled it off of it's base, pausing only a second before setting back down. No.
There was a reason she was doing this. A reason that calling Methos plagued her. A reason she feared that she would demolish everything they had worked so hard to build together. Another quote rippled through her mind and she felt it with every fiber of her being as she stood up and forcibly moved herself away from the phone.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.
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Comments: Read 7 or Add Your Own.
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Thursday, February 14th, 2008
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“Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.” - Jack Handey
*locked to those who know of Immortality*
I know I will probably catch hell for even saying this, but I had the strangest dream. About Kronos. The thought alone is enough to make me regret eating anything this morning. Yet, it happened and I cannot stop playing it over and over in my mind in some attempt to strangle meaning from it. For those of you who know Kronos, just picture this and tell me it wouldn't be enough to make you consider psychiatric help.
I emerged into the dream in a field of daisies. As far as the eye could see there was nothing but daisies. Daisies... and Kronos. Floating just above them in the lotus position, meditating with an unnatural serenity on his face.
... you can imagine my disbelief.
At any rate... there he and I were and he opened his eyes, staring at me for a long while with nearly no expression on his face. And when he finally spoke...
"You DO know why you're here, Cassandra, don't you?"
"Because even though I cannot die, I still need sleep?"
"You're here to admit that your life, as you have lead it, is not my fault,"
Yes, Kronos, even in my dreams, is an arrogant ass.
Needless to say, I was not pleased with this assertation. I vehemently denied and disagreed, and the angrier I got, the more peaceful he became. It was at the point of near screaming that I realized exactly what I was doing. I was feeding my own anger and therefor giving him what he needed. Power. It was in that moment, that I realized his words had, in essence, been correct.
I had to let it go. All of it. Was he an evil, manipulative, genocidal psychopath? Is he still? It's hard to say. I would wager a guess he still has quite a few mental issues that could stand to be resolved. And I'm sure manipulation is still a part of his overall way of life. But even if he is still the horrible creature I remember from so long ago, I need to release myself from his grasp. Take away his power by letting go.
My life isn't his fault.
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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What are the top ten signs that a muse is a Mary Sue/LarryStu? Is your muse one, or how do they react to them?
Oh how I want to laugh.
1.) You are an OC who has no real fandom, no fleshed out background, no plans, but you mysteriously pop up in a random fandom and attempt to befriend everyone who is playing in said fandom.
2.) You are a character who HAS a fandom, but your canon is completely ignored and you refuse to acknowledge its existence. Instead, you latch on to a completely DIFFERENT fandom and try to find ways to insert yourself in it.
3.) Muse has sex with ANYONE (unless of course, that's canon for your character... yes, I'm looking at YOU Byron... Byron is definitely NOT a Larry Stu. He was a manwhore ... I mean, slave to his desires...in the historical AND fandom sense. *grin*), with no real reasoning behind it.
4.) Time Travel Romance. Unless it's canon (Doctor Who, yes?). 9 times out of ten, it's SO Mary Sue.
Okay, so you can see that's not ten. There are tons more reasons. But as this is a particularly sensitive topic for me, I'd rather just leave it at that.
The reasons why Cass ISN'T a Mary Sue? Plenty. I know she's been called that by a few people, but I'm not really sure how and I don't take that seriously at all. She is from the Highlander fandom, of which I follow religiously. She still suffers from issues she incurred from her time with the Horsemen, and very recently, her issues with her former student, Roland Kantos. Abandonment issues, the inability to completely let go of past hurts, possessiveness, manipulation, ... they are all things that she showed in her mere three episodes on Highlander. I'd like to think I play her with all of those issues and then some. She maintains her use of The Voice, though she tries not to use it unless she feels it absolutely necessary and is certain it won't bring someone to harm.
The thing, I suppose, that makes people question her as far as being a Mary Sue, is her relationship with Nathan Petrelli, a Heroes muse. Truly, it wasn't something she OR I planned out. Truthfully, both of us would have been perfectly happy if she had remained single. However, things simply didn't happen that way and I don't think either of us would change that for anything. What started out as simple off hand comments, turned into harmless flirting and then dinner. And almost a year and a half later, they are only now getting to the point where they are able to freely admit how they truly feel about one another. I know both Nathan's mun and I have worked VERY hard to make this mesh well with BOTH canons, without either muse getting too entwined in the others' canon. I don't believe Nathan has had any interaction with Highlander muses via Cassandra, and Cassandra's interaction with Heroes muses have been minimal at best, with the exception of Peter and now Gabriel Gray. Cassandra is most definitely not a Heroes muse. She fits firmly in her Highlander canon and Nathan just happens to fit into her life in just such a way that I think they are plausible together. I don't think it could have worked out any better if we tried.
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Comments: Read 3 or Add Your Own.
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"The most potent weapons at my disposal are manipulation and illusion,"
It had been almost two years since she'd spoken to Claire. She truly wished she could see the woman in person, but with things as they were with Roland, she simply couldn't risk it. As it was, she was concerned that Roland would somehow find out about her therapist and trace her call. However, she'd needed someone who knew all her secrets (well, not all her secrets...), to be a sounding board and explain why she had been so afraid ever since she and Nathan had come back from Italy.
"Cassandra, I hardly think..."
"Claire. I mean this in the most polite way possible, but if you even try to tell me that isn't true, you really aren't worth the money I paid you as a therapist,"
Pause.
"I'm sorry. It... it came out far worse than I intended,"
Finally, Claire responded, "No. No apologies. You're right. Truthfully, I think you know why you're afraid. It isn't of Nathan, though I have to say I am simply amazed at how you've opened yourself to him. It's incredible, considering all you've been through. And, unfortunately, I think therein lies the problem. The source of your fear,"
She sat for a long moment, digesting what Claire said, but her thoughts were interrupted by Claire's next question, "Are you afraid of him finding things from your past; things that show your former manipulation? Or is it the thought that you've become so elusive by nature that you fear you'll start to let that those manipulative tendencies into THIS relationship?"
Her heart froze on those words and she couldn't help but notice the way her skin chilled. Claire had found the root of her fear in such short time that for a moment, Cassandra felt ridiculously stupid. She was afraid she'd pick up old habits.
Quietly, and with more than a bit of disconcerting tone to her voice, she sighed, "And that is why I DO pay you what I do,"
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Comments: Add Your Own.
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Sunday, January 27th, 2008
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"You have reached the voice mailbox of Cassandra D'Antoni. Please leave your name and a message and I will get back to you as soon as possible,"
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Comments: Read 6 or Add Your Own.
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif){kind=small}
amused.
annoyed.
curious.
cold.